Vote for Mike McGinn! He’s way cooler than that other guy!
Mike “Chippy” McGinn is actually a secret hipster robot, and we should all elect him mayor for life. After suddenly appearing in in 2008 to run for mayor, Mike quickly won over the city with his smart and chippy campaign of “fuck the Viaduct, and other things.” Seattle had gotten tired of their largely effective incumbent mayor, distrusted the corporate-y opposition, and somehow decided to hand McGinn a victory in the primary election.
Just check out this fedora. CHECK OUT THE FEDORA. How can you run against that? The power is almost unstoppable. IT WAS UNSTOPPABLE. And what is with that dog? He or she is dumbfounded with the sheer force behind the hat. It’s just staring ahead in silent anger as it realizes that it will never be as cool as Mike McGinn.
Mike came in and promptly lost a viaduct vote. So we decided to keep building that disaster, but at least he held up his promise and Seattle got to vote on the viaduct replacement for a 10th or 12th time. We voted on it a lot. We’re slightly embarrassed about this fact.
And it was a recession, and times were hard, but Mike kept the city running despite his environmental-y ways and his hatred of cars. Which we all mostly agree with him on. Cars pretty much suck.
Not all was well, however, Seattle Police Department continued to be a really shitty public agency that mostly focused on the goals of “shoot unarmed civilians” and “harass everyone we see.” After pepper spraying some old nuns, shooting some drunk individuals, and otherwise being absolutely terrible at everything, SPD was finally declared by the feds as “worst police agency on Earth.”
So did Mike stand up to the absolutely terrible police union and tell them to shape up?
Mike chickened out and fought the consent decree. This is a terrible decision and is embarrassing as a citizen of this city. When our mayor should have been reforming the department and replacing the top commanders, he promoted from within and brought in a whole lot of ineffective “change” that basically meant business as usual for the SPDs goals of harassing and arresting citizens because they were looking at the cops funny.
This hurt me. This continues to hurt me. SPD is an embarrassment, and McGinn’s absolute worst performance as a mayor was how he handled SPD reform. He didn’t. He punted the ball and kowtowed to the police union.
But other SPD, McGinn is a great mayor. He pulled together a great agreement to build a new arena for a future NBA team. He has worked to expand transit and biking opportunities throughout the city. He works to create alternatives to state funding when Olympia continues to screw us out of our tax dollars and not even let us tax ourselves to pay for programs we want in-city. He works for smart gun control. And for god’s sake sake, look at these original hipster glasses. You can’t repel firepower of that magnitude:
And now let us talk about Ed Murray. Yes, that Ed Murray. The one who fucked up the Washington State Democratic senate election campaigns in 2012 and lost control of the senate. The one who couldn’t keep Rodney “Terrible Person” Tom in check. The one who did nothing to help Seattle this session. And you want to elect him? Ed’s done great things for marriage equality, but he’s a mediocre middle-of-the-road choice for Seattle. He’s not very progressive. He’s mainstream. He’s boring. With Ed Murray you get the same boring-ness that any ineffective mayor can get you.
A vote for Ed is a vote for turning Seattle into New Jersey. A vote for Ed Murray is a vote for being boring and lame and wishing that Seattle was more like Ballard: the shittiest part of Seattle. Where neo-hipster douchebags reign supreme and everyone drives everywhere. You don’t want that, do you? DO YOU? NO YOU DON’T. VOTE MCGINN TWENTY THIRTEEN.
The preceding endorsement consists only of random pseudo-facts and opinions that are the result of a somewhat scatterbrained mind. Utilizing this text to make an informed political decision is a seriously poor decision on your part, and reflects badly upon our nation as a whole.