Quick! You left your apartment late, and need to rush to the bus stop! “Never fear,” you think, “I can simply walk 20% faster and get there in no time at all.” Until you run into one of them. You know what I’m talking about. Slow walkers. Those who hinder your progress and break the bubble of civility that is so present in passive-aggressive Seattle. And for whatever reason, you can’t simply pass them. Say goodbye to that KC Metro 49, bitch. Because ain’t nobody getting there on time behind the sidewalk zombie.
Let’s run through some of the most common species, so that we may recognize and work together to rid the sidewalk of these menaces.
Traits: Slow, shuffling movement. Randomly changes directions.
The sidewalk zombie is one of the most common species of slow walkers. While they may look slow and steady, when you try to pass them they suddenly spring into action and wander to the left. And then the right, and then the left again.
How to Defeat: Sneak up extremely close, and try to dart by when they start a wandering movement to the other side. And hope they don’t change directions mid-shift.
Traits: Freshman couple holding hands, forming an impenetrable barrier of love.
“The Couple” is a double whammy because these freshman usually a) don’t really know where they’re going, b) are too focused on each other that they ignore all others in the world, and c) would sooner die than break their bond.
How to Defeat: You can’t really. Most of them look like athletes who could beat you up. Your best chance is to hope they wander off in another direction. Luckily, they do this often by virtue of always being lost.
Traits: Steady walker in a straight line. Only problem is, they weigh approximately as much as a main battle tank.
Zeppelins have one saving grace: they walk in straight lines. The issue? They decide that the entire sidewalk is theirs, and they stick to walking exactly down the middle of it. Making any opportunity to squeeze by a dicey proposition because of their sheer width.
How to Defeat: Wait for a tree, trash can, or bike rack. Then weave your way around it to pass them.
Traits: Without entering any stereotypical depictions here, we all know who they are.
The noisy group’s secret weapon is the amazing ability to expand and /compress according to the sidewalk’s width, treating the sidewalk like a speed-limited one-way street. To let someone past is unspeakable.
How to Defeat: Walk on the road. Or cross the street. There is no defeating the noisy group.
Golf Umbrella Guy and/or Californian Girl
Traits: An individual who is unable or unwilling to face the rainy weather with anything other than a umbrella that is approximately 10 meters in diameter. Pouring rain sideways? Put your Gore-Tex jacket away, fool, and grab your umbrella.
They will often act like umbrellas are the perfect companion for the eyes of neighbors walking next to them. Passing is impossible because they will randomly walk in order to avoid all traces of water getting on their hair, clothing, or bag.
How to Defeat: Gust of wind. Most umbrellas are highly weak against a well-placed wind blast.