Cougar Prayer: An Analysis

In response to a few “prayers” I wrote last year as jokes, the ever impressionable Cougs decided to write one “prayer” and then spam it on Facebook every week. This mainly functions to annoy everyone. Let’s take a look:

The Cougar Prayer

Our Father, who art in Martin, much shouted be thy name.
Thy offense run, thy defense stun, at home as it does on the road.
Give us this day our Saturday win and forgive us our penalties as we
forgive those who penalize upon us, and lead us not unto false starts,
but deliver us in the end-zone, for thine is the reception, the touchdown,
and the victory, forever and ever. Amen.
The Breakdown

Our Father, who art in Martin, much shouted be thy name.
Good, good. Always an excellent idea to cite the name of a UW graduate. They are often considered Gods among men.

Thy offense run, thy defense stun, at home as it does on the road.
What team are we talking about? Michigan? This doesn’t sound like Wazzu.

Give us this day our Saturday win and forgive us our penalties as we
forgive those who penalize upon us,
Penalties? Really? If you have limited space for a football prayer, why is so much time taken up talking about penalties? This also starts a very long run-on sentence.

and lead us not unto false starts,
I would think that false starts are more a function of playing at a real stadium, rather than some intervention by a Husky (Martin). Although I can see the irony here. Still running on…

but deliver us in the end-zone, for thine is the reception, the touchdown,
and the victory, forever and ever. Amen.
And the run-on is over! Amen brother!

And for completeness sakes, this is one of mine from last year:

Allmighty Infanta: We thank you for this blustery December afternoon: perfect weather for the glorious sport of football be played in the sacred Temple of Husky Stadium. May Jesus Locker’s aim be true and his multi-faceted offense overwhelm the enemy defense. May that our defense be the stalwart defenders against all that is unholy and unpure in this plane of existence, and that our secondary hold firm as the final bastion of truth. May that you bless with Gabriel Sarkisian the vision necessary for striking where our enemy is weakest. May the wisdom of the Infanta bless us for forevermore.
Note: This entire post is a joke. Please don’t kill me.

One thought on “Cougar Prayer: An Analysis

  1. Oh Nikky. If only our prayers to the Elway-esqe football gods actually worked.
    Really though? Gunna bust up a cougar prayer? Dude probably wrote it when he was drunk.
    Can’t fault him for that, right? Right?
    :D

    Like

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