As Winter slowly descends upon the humble hamlet of Seattle, its simple denizens are once again forced into dealing with this winter madness. This handy quick reference guide will serve to give you the information needed to identify the various types of Seattle drivers, in hopes that you can better plan your transportation.
Type: “Normal” Driver
Thought process when encountering snow:
“Oh look, frozen crystals of H20 are descending from the sky and are sticking upon the roadways and surfaces of this great city. I really shouldn’t drive today, but if I do, I should remember to be careful. This means that the road surface may have patches of ice, stopping distance may increase, and friction has decreased. If calculate the physics of such a surface in my head, I should have no issue driving in the snow.”
Often Seen Driving:
Ghost chariot. These people do not exist in Seattle.
Fate
Resident of Midwestern state.
Type: Viking
Thought process:
“As a blue-eyed descendent of Leif Erickson and owner of a glorious SUV with 4-wheel drive of might, I shall conquer the snow as the USSR conquered Finland.”
Often Seen Driving:
Large SUV.
Fate:
On side of road in ditch, calling AAA.
Type: Mr. Caution
Thought process:
”This snow is scary stuff. I read about all of the really bad things that happens to drivers who aren’t cautious! There is snow on the ground, so this means I can put chains on my Prius. I shouldn’t go above 4MPH, and will assume that every roadway is nothing but ice.”
Often Seen Driving:
Slowly.
Fate:
Sleeping on friend’s coach as they are “too scared” to drive home.
Type: Twitter-Using Public Transport Rider
Thought process:
“King County Metro is the next coming of god, and if they change their schedule because of snow, they should personally email or @-reply me, because I’m not checking their HTML 3.2 website.”
Often Seen:
At the wrong stop.
Fate:
Complaining loudly on twitter while using hashtags such as #snOMG (hint: this is not clever) and blaming Metro for not posting these changes.
Type: Bicycle Rider
Thought process:
“I’m so hipster, I ride my bike in a blizzard. I also refuse to wear gloves.”
Often Seen:
Near the brink of frostbite.
Fate:
Waiting at bus stop with their bike. See: “Twitter-Using Public Transport Rider.”
Type: Mountain Man
Thought Process:
“Shopping at REI makes me a cold-weather expert. I don’t need to drive or ride the bus, because I can simply walk to work instead.”
Often Seen:
Wearing a North Face fleece with slacks.
Fate:
Soaking wet, cold, and late to work.
Type: Eastsiders.
Thought Process:
“You pitiful people call this snow? Back where we live, we usually drive in 2 feet of snow. DAILY.”
Often Seen:
Shopping at Westside Malls.
Fate:
Drinking heavily in Pullman because they are forced to drive 2 feet of snow.
Type: Huskies
Thought Process:
“What does it take to get school cancelled? Metro buses are late, the ground is white, and my commute time is increased by 40%.”
Often Seen:
On message boards complaining about the UW’s snow cancellation policy.
Fate:
Slogging to class in the snow, because resistance is futile.
Type: Former Mayors
Thought Process:
“Salt is extremely bad for the environment, we should use something else that is slightly less effective yet much more Earth-friendly.”
Often Seen:
Being the victim of Seattle politics.
Fate:
Voted out of office.
Nikky's Notes 