I’ve found religion. I’m none other than one who believes in the Flying Spaghetti Monster as our one true deity. It’s my subtle “screw you” to all you “god is the only one” types out there. So if you insult my religion, I’ll be forced to smite you; actually, He’ll smite you with His invisible noodly appendage. Watch out. Oh, and if you really think about this without any bias and prejudics, there’s just as much evidence supporting my god as there is supporting yours.
While I’m at it, I also feel like explaining the causes of global warming. If you’re a liberal you think it’s caused by humanity dumping prodigious amounts of poison into our atmosphere; Republicans think that it’s a natural cycle, and mother Earth (an extension of the Flying Spaghetti Monster) will heal herself in due time. I, however, support a third, and (once the facts are considered) obviously true argument, that global warming is a direct correlation to the decrease in the number of pirates. This handy, bytesized (well 30,500 bytes, to be exactingly precise) graph will explain what my words cannot do: penetrate your thick skull.