I’ve been gnawing on my fingers for as long as I can remember. It was just something that I always did. Insanely short fingernails were the norm, and I always wondered how people opened pocket knives, unclasped watches, and did other activities that most take for granted. In the back of my mind I always thought about what my stubby fingernails presented a rather bad image of myself to friends, interviewers, and assorted strangers. When I was applying for jobs or such, I made an effort to stop for about a week before. If I remembered, that is. And I usually didn’t.

Whenever I actually did make a legitimate effort to stop, I either found myself unintentionally chewing, or purposely diving in to relieve stress and clear my mind. It’s weird, but yes, they were a stress reliever and helped me think through things.

So one of my New Year’s Resolutions was to stop munching down on my fingernail like rednecks eat TV dinners. (Find better metaphor). This was the resolution I expected to fail immediately. I would be back on chewin’ in no time at all, based on my previous efforts.

I think the key is the first fortnight. And gum, lots of gum. Amazing amounts of gum. I’ve been accused of having an oral fixation, but it’s true. (insert joke here) I’m constantly putting random objects in my mouth and chewing. Paper, glue, fingers, thumbtacks (just the plastic part!), you name it, I chewed on it. And I still do, but now it’s gum. Did I mention gum? Like Costco-sized packs upon packs of gum? Whenever I get the urge I pop one in my mouth and keep at it until it passes.

Once you get to the point where your nails look presentable and your fingers aren’t resembling a shantytown, it’s difficult to justify destroying that.

It’s been a month now.

Typing feels weird, like my finger angle is wrong. Pressing buttons and other tasks I brute-forced with my fingers is now being messed with because my nail isn’t giving in as much as my finger would have. Simple tasks are being totally re-evaluated, because my fingers don’t feel like they always have. And they aren’t responding like I’ve always expected them to.

Since I’ve never had nails, I’m not entirely sure how to care for them. How long should they be? How do I clean underneath them? WHAT THE HECK.

Still. They’re pretty cool so far.

Future Overlord of the Pacific Mussel Mine.

Where to even start with these monsters of the sea, and soon to be land banshees as well? For starters, each one is poisonous. Ah! You may say, but only the Blue-Ringed Octopus is actually deadly to humans! And since we can see blue rings quite clearly, it should be easy to avoid death-by-octopus, right? Wrong. An average octopus lives 4 years, which means that they can have 10 generations every time us humans only have one. This only encourages genetic mutations, and we all know what that means: in less than 50 years octopus will be able to spit instant-death poison. It’s like the Dilophosaurus from Jurassic Park, except these guys are small and squishy.

Squirting Legion of Doom

Astute readers may also point out that octopus and other cephalopods only live in water, and even if they could evolve the ability to walk on land like our ancestors did, it would be a matter of millions of years: which would provide us with plenty of time to prepare adequate defenses. Too late. Squids of death already can crawl on land between tidal pools, and aquariums report that octopus can break out of their highly secured cages, crawl down the hall,  snack on the tasty morsels in the shellfish storage tanks, and then return to their own tanks. All they leave behind is a wet and slimy trail of what I can only expect is highly toxic poison. And they do this at night, when they know we’re not looking.

Jesus Christ on a crutch.

And that’s not even the worst part. Cephalopods are masters of disguise. Not only are they colormorphs who can change their coloration on command from their insidious brains, but they also have evolved the ability to actually mimic the behavior and appearance of other creatures. Mimic octopus can change into crabs, fish, and other creatures.  Watch out for that weird “Uncle Jerry” across the street: is he a human, or an octopus in disguise? And just when you’re about to call the police on him, *BAM* a face full of ink before you’re hit with the spitting poison.

Uncle Jerry.

Just when things couldn’t get worse for land-dwellers, it does. These cephalopods are the transformers of the ocean. They can creep around on all 8 tentacles, they can jet along with their internal squirters, and they can even “walk” on two tentacles. They’re silent too: squid can change colors of different appendages and hold silent light-assisted conversations with multiple squid at once. Sneak attacks are easy when you can creep along and communicate silently.

RED RED GREEN RED: I will distract the humans while you squirt them with your radioactive ink.

Think we can just blow them away? Think again. They don’t have any skeletons, so you can’t just shoot them in a critical area to disable their movement. Any shot will just go right through them with minimal damage. With 8 tentacles, you’ll need to hit them multiple times before they even start to feel it. Even their headshots aren’t that deadly: their nervous system is distributed throughout the body, and the tentacles are often capable of running the show when the head is too busy being blown off. And, of course, octopus already have the ability to use coconut shells as shields. They can hold the shell with 6 tentacles, and walk with the other two.

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW

Their end goal, of course, is to enslave humans to be their mussel field farmers. They exhibit a clear cruel streak. Already known to  “juggle [their] fellow tankmates around out of boredom, as well as throwing rocks and smashing the aquarium glass,” it’s no stretch of the imagination to see them as tossing humans around whenever their mussel production isn’t up to par. Right before they rip them apart with their tentacles, that is. With 8 arms, they can get in 200–400% more whippings than the traditional Southern American slaver. Even their poisons are a cruel joke: “Tetrodotoxin poisoning can result in the victim being fully aware of his surroundings but unable to breathe. Because of the paralysis that occurs they have no way of signaling for help or any way of indicating distress.” And believe me, when Chester drops wide-eyed on the farm floor, you’ll damn well be sure to double your mussel production.

OH HAI. NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

Finally, we must address the most potent threat of all: cuttlefish. Never. EVER. Cuddle with a cuttlefish. If you do, humanity will forever be doomed. Cuddling with a cuttlefish is like cuddling with the next Hitler. Just consider that, smart guy.

Don’t trust this guy at all.

So what do we do about this? Global warming, and a lot of it. While the sea level will rise, we can also make the surface so dry and humid they’ll instantly shrivel up and die. And that’s how we roll.

1) Working 30 hours a week. Which in itself is not out particulary bad, but.…

2) Reading roughly 1000 pages of 8.5“x11” pages regarding EU and Italian Law, and another book regarding immigration law.

3) Taking a week off of these two above tasks to go on a family vacation to San Francisco. The pictures of which still have not been edited.

4) Organizing everything for the month in Rome. This includes getting my new laptop squared away.

5) Rearranging and totally cleaning my room in the apartment. Which is a fairly huge undertaking.

6) Add various tasks, like assorted work for other organizations, a family party, seeing friends I only get to see a few times a year, and volunteer work

7) And any spare time is spent working on my perpetually behind reading queue. Which despite my best intentions, is always increased because I cannot resist buying books when I go to stores.

And this is the summer I thought I would have some time off!

Age: $1.00

Bed size: w/cheese $1.49

Chore you hate: Not eating at Jackin’ Box.…

Dog’s name: Jack

Essential start your day item: Jumbo Jack

Favorite color: Red and White

Gold or Silver: Small curly.

Height: $6.00

Instruments you play(ed): Two tacos.

Job title: Jack in the Box Premiere Member

Kid(s): Meal

Living arrangements: Double bacon chee.

Mom’s name: Eileen + small drink and fry.

Nicknames: Deluxe, side salad.

Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Thanks to Jackin’

Pet Peeve: They don’t deliver.

Quote from a movie: “j-j-jack j-j-jack, Jack in the Box, we’re really cookin’ now.”

Right or left handed: Both.

Siblings: Jr. Bacon Chee.

Time you wake up: 24/7

Underwear: Whatever Jack wears.

Vegetable you dislike: Everything that’s not on the Deluxe Burger.

Ways you run late: Waiting for them to clean the fryer.

X-rays you’ve had: Taco Nachos.

Yummy food you make: #4

Zoo favorite: Cows, Jr. Bacon pigs, chicken sandwich.

A — Age: 20

B — Bed size: Full in Seattle, twin at home.

C — Chore you hate: Anything that smells or requires me to get dirty.

D — Dog’s name: Lucy.

E — Essential start your day item: My email

F — Favorite color: Blue and Purple.

G — Gold or Silver: Silver.

H — Height: 6’0″

I — Instruments you play(ed): Piano, Clarinet, and Drums.

J — Job title: Student Technology Consultant

K — Kid(s): No thank you.

L — Living arrangements: Two bedroom apartment with another person.

M — Mom’s name: Eileen

N — Nicknames: Nikky, Nick, Nickolas, Nickster, Nick-o-rama, Nickers

O — Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Twice

P — Pet Peeve: Many.

Q — Quote from a movie: “Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate”

R — Right or left handed: Left.

S — Siblings: One. Sister.

T — Time you wake up: 7:30am

U– Underwear: Colorful.

V — Vegetable you dislike: Most.

W — Ways you run late: Computer.

X — X-rays you’ve had: Teeth, Chest, and Head.

Y — Yummy food you make: Cookies.

Z — Zoo favorite: Otters, Penguins, and Beavers.

Today is pretty sweet.

They aren’t pulling any punches here. The first sentence consists of“Haiti is one of the least developed and least stable countries in the Western Hemisphere.”

Allrighty, well, how’s the crime? “There are no “safe areas” in Haiti.” Thanks State Department. “Reports of kidnapping, death threats, murders, drug-related shootouts, armed robberies, break-ins and carjackings are common.”

But by far the best part of this document is their section on transportation in Haiti.

Cars are supposed to be driven on the right side of the road in Haiti, but few roads have lane indicators and drivers use whatever part of the road is open to them, even if it is not the correct side of the road.

[…]

Roads are generally unmarked, and detailed and accurate maps are not widely available. Lanes are not marked and signs indicating the direction of traffic flow seldom exist. This lack of organization, along with huge potholes that occur without warning, may cause drivers to execute unpredictable and dangerous maneuvers in heavy traffic.

[…]

Although written and driving tests are required to qualify for driver’s licenses, road laws are not generally known or applied. Signaling imminent actions is not widely practiced and not all drivers use turn indicators or international hand signals properly. For instance, many drivers use their left blinker for all actions, including turning right and stopping in the road, and others flap their left arm out the window to indicate that they will be taking an unspecified action. Drivers do not always verify that the road is clear before switching lanes, turning, or merging.

[…]

Speed limits are seldom posted and are generally ignored.

[…]

Right of way is not widely observed in Haiti

[…]

Walls built to the edge of roads frequently make it impossible to see around corners, forcing drivers to edge their cars into the road at intersections to check for oncoming traffic.

[…]

In addition to vehicles, a variety of other objects may appear on the road in Haiti.

Sounds worse than LA.

The following is a list of what I got, and a short explainiation on why I choose it. Keep in mind I might not have known then why I was buying it, so the chances of me thinking of a reason now are slim to none. :)

Listed from largest book (in length by height, not by thickness) to smallest.

1. Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner. This has been in my reading list since it first came out, and I finally remembered to get it when I chance encoutered it while looking for Black’s Law Dictionary.

2. Che Guevara: A Revolutionary Life by Jon Lee Anderson. You see Che shirts, belt buckles and posters everywhere. But I basically know something about him. This was on a recommended book section, so I grabbed it.

3. Artemis Fowl: The Graphic Novel by Colfer Donkin, Rigano and Lamanna. Another that has been on my list since it first came out. I love all things about Artemis Fowl. He’s everything Harry Potter isn’t–and I love the series for it. The newest one I purchased last week, but I’m still reading The Power Broker. So when that’s done, I’ll start on the newest Artemis Fowl novel before beginning this book.

4. American Beyond Our Grandest Notions by Chris Matthews. It’s Chris Matthews. The only one I cound find there. He’s always fun to read.

5. The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. Dawkins is a douche, and I love it. This is a glorious troll resource book. Not to mention I probably agree with everything he says, and I like reading books that I agree with.

6. Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris. I make it a point to always get a Sedaris book when I go to Powell’s. I didn’t have this one yet, so I got it!

7 Lost in Austen: Create Your Own Jane Austen Adventure by Emma Campbell Webster. Remember those old Goosebumps books that you were able to choose what to do next? Think of this book like that. Except with the beginning of Pride and Prejudice. Sound amazing or what.

As mentioned before, I’m reading The Power Broker, and even though I’m only 400 or so pages into it… I can highly recommend it to anyone looking at politics, success, power, or urban planning. Check it out.